Another Funeral

Wow! I can't believe it's been way back in the Spring since I last posted on this particular blog. I'm sorry to have left you all hanging with a "what happens next" feeling in the story of Mike and I. I promise to start back on that story this week.

But this particular post is about a different topic. This past week my Uncle Joe Frank passed away. His passing has brought back up SO many emotions and memories about my precious granddaddy. Joe Frank was granddaddy's side kick and best friend. They did EVERYTHING together. There are countless stories of the two of them my daddy could tell you, or anyone else who was ever around them for that matter. Even the pastor who conducted uncle Joe Frank's funeral had some stories to tell. And this may be a bit odd sounding, but it was the BEST funeral I've ever been to. We laughed amongst the tears. That pastor, uncle Joe Frank's home church pastor, told his stories while impersonating Joe Frank and he had him pegged! lol.
But for me, it was just a day of pouring salt into wounds that haven't healed, even after over 8 years have passed since granddaddy died.

I would give anything to have that farm life back. It's one of those things that you don't realize exactly what you had until it was gone. Looking back, my entire life and outlook on life changed during the time of my granddaddy being sick, saying his goodbyes, his suffering, his death and ultimately his precious farm being auctioned off. I started at the time, trying to "figure out who I was", who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with my life. Do you know that I still struggle with that today? I think I've just basically felt "out of control". Life just keeps zooming by and I feel like I waste or have wasted so much of it and don't really feel like I've done what I was put here to do. Do you feel like that ever?

I think that's why my brain doesn't shut off from all of the ideas outflow. It's trying to figure out what I want. But it nor I seem to know. I think it may also explain why my son's senior year in high school is so painful for me, even to the point that he's in his 2nd year of college and I still haven't looked at his senior yearbook nor watched football highlight videos that were given to us. So much went wrong for him that year that I couldn't control, fix for him or protect him from and as a mother, that feeling is just overwhelming sometimes.

So here I sit typing this and having a good cry, still grieving. Grieving my granddaddy, grieving a life I now miss, grieving my son's last year of high school, grieving Joe Frank and grieving for myself because I haven't moved in the direction that feels right somehow.

So, I will just continue with a day by day, trying to find my way. Only God knows what it is that will move me past the grief and into my gifts. I just have to quit fighting so hard to figure it out on my own..... still trying to control everything that happens in my life. I really should've learned that lesson by now..... life really is uncontrollable and we're just here for the ride.

Thank you for letting me share. I'm sure a lot of you have lost someone who was close to you and their passing has greatly impacted your life. Know that you are not alone. And we will all be OK.

amy

Opposites attract but how do they STAY attracted?

So, you've read the short story and now here's the conversation that I want ALL of you to get in on please! I am doing some research and surveys to write some articles for Southern Belle Magazine about relationships. More specifically, how to have a long and happy marriage in this day & time when divorce is so easy. Yes, it's quite easy to say, "just never give up, divorce is not an option", but HOW do you work through issues for that to be true? What are the little secrets to keeping a marriage together? Below is a list of questions that I would love for you to give your opinion on! Whether it's something you've experienced personally or just an idea of what you think would work in a situation.
1) Money- keep separate accounts or joint? And, does one person handle or should they do together?
2) Kids- how do you agree on discipline? do you equally share duties with the children or should the mother shoulder more? Should the kids be allowed to sleep in the bed with the parents?
3) Housework- equally share or how do you divide the chores? What are some secrets to not fighting over the little pet peeves such as clothes left on the floor?
4) Careers- should the wife stay home? Is it ok if the wife makes more money? Who should be the stay at home parent or should either if they both love their career?
5) Family- in-laws & such: how important is it that each get along with their spouse's family?
6) Couple Time- how do find alone time when you have children in the home? How important is date night? What are some tips or little secrets to keep the spark alive?
7) Fighting- is it healthy? What's the best way to discuss issues? How do you compromise when you both have different viewpoints?
8) Errands- divide equally or is it more of the wife's responsibility?
9) Goals- do you make goals together? If you have different goals, how do you mesh them?
10) Personalities- so opposites may have attracted, but how do you blend them into a happy life together? He's a realist, she's a dreamer. He's a homebody, she likes to go out. Can compromises be made without changing one's true self?
11) Friends- mutual friends always? Or is it ok if each has their own friends and sometimes does things with them that doesn't include the spouse?
12) Bottom Line: IS love really enough to conquer all?

So there you have it. If I've missed something, please let me know! Your feedback will help in the writing of this series of articles so I am VERY interested in what you have to say!

Until next time,

amy

Can Love Conquer ALL?

Boy meets girl. Crazy for each other. Date for a long while then get married. Children are born. Marriage is hard work. Raising children is hard work. Fighting happens. But the marriage hangs on. Kids start school. New focus. Parents make new friends with other parents. Little couple time. More kid time. Sports. Dads talk. Moms gossip. Marriage hangs on. Children get older. Couple has forgotten how to just be together. All about the kids. Life is a blur of busyness. Schedules to keep. Children & jobs are time consuming. Couple drifts apart. But marriage hangs on. Children are now teens. New stresses. More money needed. Job becomes more important. Blur of busyness continues. Time flies. Couple has gotten older. But not closer. Love is there. Time together is not. Job, home responsibilities, ball games, family night. No time for couple time. But marriage hangs on. Children start graduating. First one, then another. Schedule lightens. But couple is a bit lost. Who is that in the mirror? Who is this spouse? Different people now. Maturity has happened for boy. Maturity has happened for girl. But conversations about future didn't happen much. Where to go from here? Goals are different. Views on life are different. But love is still there. The marriage holds on. But by a thread. Communication has not been reestablished. Kids are gone- now what? Boy works hard, enjoys home. Girl likes to socialize. How to compromise? One has dreams. Other is about the here and now. How to compromise? Lead separate lives? Is that possible? Will marriage survive? Not likely. Compromise is the answer. But how? Little compromises are easy. Big ones change the true self. Can boy continue to love this girl who's changed? Can girl continue to love boy if compromise is done to fit his viewpoint? Will love stay if one changes to make other happy? Is love strong enough? One changes to make other happy. Little resentments build. Why can't each be who they are? Can they be their true self and stay together? Odds not good. But love is there. Surely there's an answer. Or is there? Give up true self? Or give up each other? Marriage still hangs on. But for how much longer?

(see next post for related topic to this post!)
amy

Life After Baby #1

We were now settled in at home with a new baby girl. Life was good. I stayed at home with Kasey while Mike worked. Not too long after Kasey was born, Mike started farming with my daddy. I absolutely loved it! Yes, it was longer hours but I loved that farm with all of my heart and to have Mike be a part of it meant the world to me. Kasey was a fun baby and the first grandchild so everyone was enjoying her and spoiling her. I loved being a wife and mommy but I had some past demons come back to haunt me. I had struggled with weight most of my life and I had gained 60 lbs. while pregnant with Kasey. I, being my weird self and all, wasn't the normal pregnant girl who got sick and barely gained weight. Nooooo, I would feel sick if I DIDN'T eat every 2 hours all 9 months! Both sides of my family have obese tendencies so I was very concerned with my weight. I worried constantly about what Mike and his friends thought. I was still an 18 yr. old girl and looks still meant something. So here we go on the next hill of the roller coaster. I mean, you have to be skinny to be pretty, right? Yes, I had a LOT to learn!
Mike was pretty great during this time. He never once complained about my weight or made any comments to make me feel bad about it. But I beat myself up enough for the both of us. I was once again afraid of losing him. Well, my horrible memory won't allow me to remember how long it was before Mike quit farming to take a job making more money, and daddy once again helped us get into a larger home when Kasey was 2 years old. Backing up a bit, from the time Kasey was almost a year old, I had tried going back to school and worked a full time job. It was hard leaving her. School only lasted for 2 or 3 semesters. I simply couldn't do it all. My Wonder Woman powers had not kicked in at that time (compared to today!). Also throughout that time, I had developed a bad habit of not handling money very well. To this day, I'll admit that I'm just not good with it. I'm not a budget, balance the checkbook kind of girl. Boy, I wish I was!!! That issue brought on its own set of problems and consequences that we've dealt with over the years. We were still young. We had a toddler, jobs that paid just enough to cover the bills, no college degrees, no real career plans and all of that equals a tough life. And we had help! I can't imagine how teen parents even try to manage on their own. And yes, we stayed on our roller coaster ride. I was overweight and miserable. We stayed broke with no future goals and we argued a lot.
When Kasey was almost 4 years old, I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited! Yes, I had been trying, even though Mike didn't really want another baby yet. Life's everyday dullness and our problems seemed to have put a damper on our relationship. Mike and I weren't as close as I'd like. Surely having another baby would bring us closer again. Mike had still spent time with his friends throughout all this time while I seemed to always be home with Kasey. We had our fights about that but yet they were never quite resolved. Just another stage in a girl's life. We go from a child with big dreams of the future, then to teen with uncertainties about what we want for our future, then into marriage. We are now a wife and homemaker. Chef and errand girl. We are suddenly responsible for the mood of our home. Then comes the children. We are now a mother, responsible for the safety, health and happiness of a little human being. There is no time in there just to be me.
Here we are, pregnant again and Mike is once again uncertain of his feelings. He knew I had been trying to get pregnant but he was nervous about having a second child to feed and take care of. Mike has always had that sort of annoying timing. He speaks up with his true feelings AFTER something has happened instead of before. So, we prepared ourselves, our home and big sister for the new arrival.

Life Lesson:  You are never too young to make a plan. Budget, have goals and communicate with each other. It's way too easy to get into trouble financially and in your relationship without a plan.

Next Post: a new little Holley!

Baby Arrives!

    So here we were. Both of us just 17 years old and about to have a baby. I went ahead on my trip to London and Scotland. I had a really good time but missed Mike horribly and wondered constantly about what our lives were about to be like. No such thing as everyone having cell phones back then so we didn't get to talk to each other for 10 days. Long time when you have such a heavy burden to carry.
    We were actually very lucky. We had families that were willing to help us. When I got home from my overseas trip, my daddy took me to look for a new, mobile home. He bought us a small, two bedroom starter home and also furnished it with furniture, appliances and other things we needed to get started. Mike's mother and grandmother gave us household items and Mike's father paid for half of the medical expenses throughout my pregnancy. Now remember, I had just graduated high school before getting pregnant. Mike, however, had been behind me so he quit high school and got a job. Yep, he stepped up to the plate to take care of his new family. I don't think at the time it was too big of a deal to him... he hated school and didn't do very well with his grades. Later on, he did regret not getting a high school diploma instead of a GED, but I was very proud of him either way.
    On August 28, 1987, Mike and I, with our immediate families tagging along, went to the courthouse and we got hitched. Very awkward. Knowing we were pregnant and still "kids" and here we were standing in the same room with both sets of our parents and getting married. I'm a people person and not normally shy, but even I was a bit embarrassed by it all. I've never been one to want a wedding. I was never the little girl who always dreamed of a fairy tale wedding, so even just a simple ceremony in a courthouse was still too much for me!  We went to Panama City Beach for our little weekend honeymoon. THAT felt even more strange than the "wedding". I was actually Mrs. Mike Holley..... at 17. Just a little over three months before that, we weren't even officially together. Wow, how things can change so fast!
   We came back home to "play house" together. I was having a great pregnancy, well other than the fact that if I didn't eat every two hours I would get extremely nauseated and dizzy. That resulted in  me gaining over 60 lbs. during my pregnancy, which you'll hear much more about later on. But I was very happy. I was so proud of Mike for getting a job and wanting to take care of his baby. So many teen pregnancies result in the guy leaving the girl all alone. I guess this really was true love. I guess maybe Mike was right. Even if I hadn't gotten pregnant, maybe we still would've ended up together.
  At 6 a.m. on March 18, 1988, contractions started. Our baby was about to arrive. I was scared to death. Mike was too I'm guessing because he was driving about 80 miles per hour to get me to the hospital. My mom rode with us and she kept laughing at him and telling him to slow down, that labor with a first baby would take quite a while and perhaps it would be better if he didn't get us killed on the way. Well, mom was only partially right. My first baby only took six hours to arrive. At 12 noon, Kasey Nicole Holley was born. An 8 lb. 6 oz. beautiful baby girl with a head full of dark hair. I don't remember Mike being in the actual delivery room, but I do remember that when the doctor held her up in the air to show her to me, still wet and yucky, the very first thought that entered my mind was, "that is NOT my baby". HA! Since she was still not cleaned up and had all that wet dark hair, I thought she looked like she totally didn't belong to me! Silly pain meds. The nurses in the hospital just loved all that hair and put a little pink bow in it, Pebbles Flinstone style, on top of her head. It was official. We were mommy & daddy.
   We were excited to take her home. Of course, we had lots of visitors in the beginning. Life was good. I stayed home with Kasey while Mike worked. He eventually quit his first job and began working with my daddy and grandaddy on the family farm. I LOVED IT! Yes, it was often times much longer hours but I loved that farm with all my heart and to have Mike be a part of it meant the world to me. Later in life, he looked back and realized how much it meant to him too. We were all getting along pretty well, adjusting to married life and a new baby. Kasey was a fun baby so overall we were happy. But again, time changes things. It was about to get a little bumpy. Click, click, click, click up that roller coaster hill...... about to barrel down the other side.

Life Lesson: Teen pregnancy is NOT a fairy tale. Most guys leave. Most girls don't have supportive parents. Most couples, if they're lucky enough to stay together, DON'T have their "start up" life handed to them. Yes, we were extremely lucky to not only be together, but to have all of those things given to us. BUT, that was the illusion. Real life, as teens with a baby, got hard.

The Baby

    I knew. I knew that very night that I had gotten pregnant. And to be completely honest, I didn't care. (ah, the crazy way a teen mind thinks) I wanted Mike, so I wanted his baby. I was so sure I was pregnant that on the very day that I was supposed to start my cycle, I went over to Wanda's house and told her we needed to get a pregnancy test. Her mother, being prepared for such an occasion, just happened to already have them in the house! I did the test and it confirmed what I already knew. I was pregnant. WE were pregnant. At 17.
    A whirlwind of emotions flood over me. Excitement. Fear. Love. Worry. Apprehension. What would Mike think or say? What would our parents think or do? Pregnant?! Yes, pregnant.  Just to be 100% certain, I had an older friend take me to a local teen pregnancy center. Confirmed again. Pregnant. Next step.... Mike. He had a baseball game that day so I asked to see him after the game to talk. He knew. On our drive to his house I simply said, "I'm pregnant." "Wow, we (bleeped) up," he said, holding my hand. I had already had at least a little time for it to sink in but seeing his reaction brought those initial emotions back up. At least he was staying calm about it. "I knew when you said you wanted to talk that you were probably pregnant," he said. We arrived at his house and his next move sort of surprised me. I thought this would be a good time for us to spend a little while together and talk things through. Instead, he wanted to be alone. I was crushed. Again? Love is such a roller coaster ride. But I left as he wished. He told his friends and his parents and the next day he came to see me.
    Mike talked about getting married whenever I returned from my London trip. Yes, I was still going. I thought it would give my parents time to let the news sink in. I was in a one-track state of mind though. I didn't care what anyone thought. I was having Mike's baby and I couldn't be happier. No matter what else happened, we would be together. Some of you are probably wondering- did I get pregnant on purpose? ABSOLUTELY NOT! As much as I loved Mike, I really was excited to be going off to college. And yes, he did ask THE question, "is it mine"? Yep, that hurt. Why would he ask that? Yes, we had been broken up for months, but didn't he realize how much I loved him by how hard I had chased him?
    Looking back now, I do wonder what would have happened if I hadn't chased him. If I had not shown up at that party that night. Would we have ever gotten back together? He says yes. I sort of doubt it. I tend to think that if I had went away to college that he would have just moved on. BUT, true love does find a way, doesn't it? So maybe he's right. Maybe we would have stayed together anyway. Regardless, we did end up back together and now there would be three of us. The roller coaster ride had just began!

Life Lesson: No matter what parents or anyone else tries to help discourage teens from getting pregnant, a teen still has her own distorted, romantic view about it. Best advice: absolutely make your teen take the course with the lifelike baby for a few weeks. She needs to SEE how it actually is! Not so romantic then!

The Party, the Bodybuilder and a Wish Come True

     My high school graduation was fast approaching and I was planning a celebratory beach trip. I asked Mike if he would like to go with me. With college coming up in the fall, I guess this was one last effort to get him back. Total fail. He did go with me and we had our own room, separate from my friends who also went. But, a couple of his friends went too and he ended up spending more time with them than he did with me. Reality check. Time to move on. So I tried. On a side note here, I remember one particular moment from that beach trip and we even have a photo of it. Mike took the photo when I was standing out on the balcony looking at the ocean. I remember that moment being THE moment that I decided that I wanted to live at the beach someday. That desire has grown deeper with every year that passes.
    About a week or so after the beach trip, Mike's mother called and invited me to an "end of school year" party that they were having that coming weekend. My friend Lori and I decided to go to the party. I loved Linda, Mike's mom, so since she personally invited me, I thought I should go. I think she may have had an ulterior motive in mind. I think she wanted Mike and I back together too.
   Lori was spending the weekend with me while the rest of my family had gone on a short vacation. The night of the party arrived. Lori liked a guy that lived in a town on the way to the party so we stopped to pick him up. When we got there to pick up Lori's guy, he had a friend with him too. I guess this friend thought we'd make it a double date and proceeded to flirt with me on the drive to the party. Of course, flirting is flattering and I must admit that it felt pretty good since I was feeling so lonely. But I really wasn't interested. After all, I was on my way to Mike's house. The only thing on my mind that night was seeing Mike, the love of my life.
    We drove up to the house and I was quite surprised. There were a lot of cars there. Lots of people. This was a pretty popular party apparently. We had to park at the road so when the four of us got out of the car and headed up the driveway, my "date" grabbed my hand, spun me around to him and kissed me! I was shocked! It was unexpected and unwanted. Thoughts flooded my mind. What if Mike saw? And if he did, was that good or bad? Would he be jealous? Would he be furious and start a fight?
    I just left Lori and the two guys and walked on toward the house. I stopped and said hello to a few of Mike's friends and asked where he was. They told me that I had just missed him. He had just left with Tonya, the new, steady girl. Heart crushed again. You think I would've learned by now. A part of me wished I had gotten there a few minutes earlier to see her. To meet her. To see how he acted with her. The other part of me was glad I had missed them. I'm not sure how my heart would've handled seeing him with her.
    I walked into the house to see Linda, Mike's mother. Lori and the guys went inside with me. They waited near the door while I went into the kitchen to chat with Linda. She asked me if I was with that "bodybuilder" and I said, "yeah, sort of". She giggled and gave me a thumbs up. Did I forget to mention that he was quite cute? Tall, cut and pretty handsome. And he was "claiming me as his date for the night" and I wasn't interested. Crazy, huh?
    I guess during the time I was in the house, Mike had returned from taking Tonya home. His friends had informed him that I was there and that I was with a guy. He wasn't a happy camper. He started looking for me and spotted us through the glass door. He was told I was with a guy so he believed it to be true. He asked me to come outside to talk. Butterflies. Nervous! Am I about to be fussed & yelled at? Is he asking me to leave? Did he miss me? I was actually scared to hear what he had to say. Despite how hard I tried to get over him, I just wasn't ready to hear a final goodbye from him.
    We sat in the swing and the drilling began. He asked why I was there. He asked why I had the nerve to show up at his house, his party, with another guy. What? Weren't you just with another girl less than 15 minutes ago? I explained that his mom had invited me and I explained the guy being with me situation. His tone changed. He told me that seeing me with another guy made him realize that he didn't want to be apart any longer. He said that was his wake-up call. He had been trying to fight off his feelings for me but seeing me with who he thought was my date, brought up the jealous feelings of him not wanting me to be with anyone else. He wanted to get back together and stay together.
    Yay! Finally!!! I had him back!! Conveniently and quite quickly did I forget that he had just gotten back from taking his new "girlfriend" home. Love. Gets in the way of clear thinking. What makes me think this time will be any different? He'll probably just break up with me again in a couple of days. Those are a few of the thoughts I had on the drive home. Other thoughts? I was so happy. I felt like he sincerely meant what he'd said. Jealousy does have quite an effect doesn't it? Why hadn't I thought of this sooner?
    Lori and I got back to my house and went to bed. About an hour or so later, around 3 a.m., I heard a knock at my door. It was Mike. He was upset. He wanted to be with me. The thought of me being with someone else had really shook him up. Well, that was another night that would alter the course of my life.

Life lesson: Jealousy. Sometimes it can work to your benefit. But be prepared because it can often backfire.