But this particular post is about a different topic. This past week my Uncle Joe Frank passed away. His passing has brought back up SO many emotions and memories about my precious granddaddy. Joe Frank was granddaddy's side kick and best friend. They did EVERYTHING together. There are countless stories of the two of them my daddy could tell you, or anyone else who was ever around them for that matter. Even the pastor who conducted uncle Joe Frank's funeral had some stories to tell. And this may be a bit odd sounding, but it was the BEST funeral I've ever been to. We laughed amongst the tears. That pastor, uncle Joe Frank's home church pastor, told his stories while impersonating Joe Frank and he had him pegged! lol.
But for me, it was just a day of pouring salt into wounds that haven't healed, even after over 8 years have passed since granddaddy died.
I would give anything to have that farm life back. It's one of those things that you don't realize exactly what you had until it was gone. Looking back, my entire life and outlook on life changed during the time of my granddaddy being sick, saying his goodbyes, his suffering, his death and ultimately his precious farm being auctioned off. I started at the time, trying to "figure out who I was", who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with my life. Do you know that I still struggle with that today? I think I've just basically felt "out of control". Life just keeps zooming by and I feel like I waste or have wasted so much of it and don't really feel like I've done what I was put here to do. Do you feel like that ever?
I think that's why my brain doesn't shut off from all of the ideas outflow. It's trying to figure out what I want. But it nor I seem to know. I think it may also explain why my son's senior year in high school is so painful for me, even to the point that he's in his 2nd year of college and I still haven't looked at his senior yearbook nor watched football highlight videos that were given to us. So much went wrong for him that year that I couldn't control, fix for him or protect him from and as a mother, that feeling is just overwhelming sometimes.
So here I sit typing this and having a good cry, still grieving. Grieving my granddaddy, grieving a life I now miss, grieving my son's last year of high school, grieving Joe Frank and grieving for myself because I haven't moved in the direction that feels right somehow.
So, I will just continue with a day by day, trying to find my way. Only God knows what it is that will move me past the grief and into my gifts. I just have to quit fighting so hard to figure it out on my own..... still trying to control everything that happens in my life. I really should've learned that lesson by now..... life really is uncontrollable and we're just here for the ride.
Thank you for letting me share. I'm sure a lot of you have lost someone who was close to you and their passing has greatly impacted your life. Know that you are not alone. And we will all be OK.
amy
